


I Will Carry You

by isnt_that_wizard



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x15 was traumatic emotionally for everyone, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Boys In Love, Caretaking, Crying, Eddie Diaz is a Good Dad, Eddie and Buck love Christopher, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e15 Coda, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Kinda, Literal Showering Together, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Men Crying, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Trauma, eddie begins, post episode, so i wrote this to make myself feel better, with strongly implied getting together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isnt_that_wizard/pseuds/isnt_that_wizard
Summary: It hadn’t been a question that after Eddie had spent hours in the hospital getting checked over, asking the nurses repeatedly to make sure Hayden was doing well, and everyone finally cleaned off the hours of rain and mud, that Buck was going home with him. The doctors had left Eddie with strict instructions that he should not be alone, that someone would need to stay with him while he healed, for at least the next three days. He had bruised ribs from falling after cutting his line, a mild concussion, and a mild case of hypothermia. The entire time with the doctors, Bobby and Buck stood by his side, listening to the doctors describe care methods and ordering that he take it easy for a while. Buck had simply nodded and raised his hand when the doctor asked if Eddie had someone that could stay with him and Christopher.---------After the events of Hayden's rescue, the tunnel's collapse, and the search for Eddie, Buck and Eddie go home to recover. The emotional tax is hard on both of them, but they've got each other's backs. Hopefully, with the knowledge that both of them and Christopher are safe, they can get through it all.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 522





	I Will Carry You

**Author's Note:**

> title from Ruelle's Carry You

It hadn’t been a question that after Eddie had spent hours in the hospital getting checked over, asking the nurses repeatedly to make sure Hayden was doing well, and everyone finally cleaned off the hours of rain and mud, that Buck was going home with him. The doctors had left Eddie with strict instructions that he should  _ not  _ be alone, that someone would need to stay with him while he healed, for at least the next three days. He had bruised ribs from falling after cutting his line, a mild concussion, and a mild case of hypothermia. The entire time with the doctors, Bobby and Buck stood by his side, listening to the doctors describe care methods and ordering that he take it easy for a while. Buck had simply nodded and raised his hand when the doctor asked if Eddie had someone that could stay with him and Christopher. 

The ride home had been practically silent. Bobby had offered, without room for argument, to drive them. Eddie certainly couldn’t, and it didn’t take much more than a glance at his best friend to see that Buck wasn’t in any shape to do so either. Buck looked almost distraught as he was. Eddie could see residual panic in his eyes, the tension and fear in his body that was all too familiar. It was the exact same look Eddie had every time Buck was in danger. Eddie didn’t know what to say to Buck; he knew they would have to talk about it all eventually, but right now the pure exhaustion filling them both, the ache in every single of Eddie’s muscles meant it would have to wait. So instead they quietly sat in Bobby’s car, Eddie’s mind running a mile a minute. Hayden had reminded him of so much, everything he hated to think about. His brain flashed him images of Afghanistan, Shannon and him yelling at each other, the pitying looks that seemed permanently in his parents eyes, Christopher, Christopher, Christopher. He wanted nothing more right now than to see his little boy. 

As they pulled up to the house, Eddie desperately hoped that Chris was asleep in bed like he was supposed to be. Shortly after they’d first found Hayden, Eddie had called Carla, asking if she could spend the night at the house with Christopher. He hadn’t been sure how long it would take them to get him out, and now, looking at the outcome of the day, he’s glad he thought to call her. And he trusted that Carla would have Christopher in bed on time, but he also knew his son had a habit of not falling asleep if Eddie didn’t at least call to wish him a good night. Bobby spoke in a low voice as he told them goodbye, telling them to take care of each other and that he didn’t want to see either of them in the firehouse for the next five days. With a quick mumble from Buck about calling Bobby tomorrow, they slowly exited the car, Buck looking him over with worry as Eddie winced. He shook his head, waving off the concern. He’d certainly had worse than a couple bruised ribs. Buck was moving better than he was, swiftly walking up the steps and pulling out his own keys to unlock the door. 

When they were both inside, Buck locking the door behind him as well, no words needed said for them to both make their way to Chris’ room. Eddie had been running on autopilot since the minute he was told he could go home, but standing in his son’s doorway now, seeing Christopher sound asleep on his constellation sheets, his brown curls a fluffed mess on his pillow, Eddie felt himself beginning to break. With a shuddering intake of breath, Eddie stumbled to his Chris’ bed, falling on his knees as soon as he was close enough. Eddie reached out his hand to touch his son, maybe brush a hand through his hair, but the action was aborted as a sob worked its way out of Eddie’s throat. He brought his hand up to his face instead, covering his mouth and nose to muffle the sounds as tears blurred his vision. The entire day washed over him with the tears on his face, Eddie trying so hard not to wake Christopher as he choked on his breaths and his body shook violently with his sobs.

Christopher was here, alive and healthy and  _ safe _ . His beautiful little boy was right in front of him, and Eddie was so relieved that he could barely breathe. He knew that he had messed up so many times with Christopher, that this poor kid had gone through more than anyone should and he’d done it in only 8 years. But right now, Christopher was okay and that was more important than anything. He hadn’t woken up, thank god, just stirred in his sleep, burying his face further into the pillow. The peace on his face just made Eddie cry harder. 

He didn’t even hear Buck come up behind him, kneeling down beside him. He could feel Buck’s hands on his shoulder, tugging him away from the bed and against his chest. Eddie went easily, falling into Buck’s embrace. His head was resting right above Buck’s heart, Buck’s strong arms coming around his abdomen and waist tightly. Eddie cried silently against Buck, gripping his best friend’s forearms tightly. He could feel Buck’s cheek resting against the top of his head, could hear his voice whispering quietly in his ear.

“You’re okay, Eddie. You’re safe, it’s okay. Christopher’s safe. You’re home, everything is going to be fine.”

Buck’s voice sounded hoarse, and Eddie could hear that it sounded as if Buck had been crying, too. Eddie felt a pang in his heart at the thought- in her initial check over, Hen had mentioned in passing that Buck had been ready to dig him out with his bare hands if it meant getting Eddie out safely. Buck continued whispering reassurances in his ear for Eddie wasn’t even sure how long. He had no idea how much time had passed, both of them collapsed on the floor of Christopher’s bedroom, pressed together as they watched over the sleeping boy. It was long enough that Eddie could finally breathe properly again, his tears subsiding to give way to a stinging pain in his eyes and his throat feeling scratchy. 

It seemed they were, as always, on the same page when they both finally began moving, stretching their incredibly sore muscles as they stood. Eddie leaned over his son’s bed, willing tears to not well in his eyes again as he pressed a kiss to Christopher’s head. 

“I love you, Chris. So fucking much.”

Under normal circumstances, Eddie knew Buck would be teasing him for swearing in front of Christopher, but tonight, Buck just stood in the darkened doorway waiting for him. It was difficult for him to leave Christopher’s room, no matter how safe and healthy he was sure his son was. But he knew he would have to; he was still shaking and shivering in ways he couldn’t blame on tears, he was running on fumes, and he knew he still had mud in places he never should. Eddie pulled himself away from his son, brushing past Buck as he exited the room. He didn’t know what to say to Buck, didn’t know how to look him in the eyes after breaking down in his arms. They had never shied away from talking about the serious stuff, and had done so much better at telling each other things after the lawsuit, but this. . . this was something new. 

Eddie had never broken down in front of Buck like that- hell, he wasn’t sure the last time he’d cried so hard. How was he going to explain everything that had gone through his head? How was he going to tell his best friend that he thought he was going to die and the thoughts that kept him going were Chris, the 118, and Buck? It was the memories of Chris and Buck, every hug and smile and day out, every hope he had of making more of a life with his family,  _ that’s  _ what saved him. He knew there was this. . . thing between him and Buck. He wasn’t stupid enough to not see it or to not realize the feelings he had for Buck. But neither of them ever spoke of it. They just let it live there. Eddie didn’t know if he’d be able to avoid putting it to words after this.

Eddie kept his eyes cast downward, reaching a shaky hand to pull the guest room door closed so that neither of them would disturb Carla. He knew Buck was following him into his bedroom, could hear the quiet sniffles and breathing behind him. It seemed like Buck was turning around Eddie’s actions on him from whenever Buck was the one who had put himself in danger or come close to death. He was staying close, checking him over for injuries every few minutes, and not letting Eddie out of his sight. The presence was both comforting and slightly overbearing- part of Eddie felt sorry for all the times he’d done the same thing to Buck. But it was all part of that thing. 

Eddie moved his arms to get his shirt off the moment he reached his bedroom, not even bothering to flick on the lights. Buck, however, moved to his bedside table, flipping on the bedside lamp. Buck removed his own shirt before turning, watching Eddie struggle with his own. Eddie groaned in frustration; his muscles weren’t working the way he wanted, his hands were shaking too badly to grip the fabric and pull it over his head. He heard Buck let out a deep breath before he moved to stand in front of Eddie. 

“Let me help you.”

“No,” Eddie insisted, trying one more time before sighing angrily. “I got it-”

“Eddie.” Buck was looking at him softly, care filling his gaze as he held a hand up towards his best friend. His voice was quiet enough that Eddie wouldn’t be able to hear it if they hadn’t been standing so close to each other. “Please, just let me help you.”

Eddie gave into the pleading tone of Buck, letting his arms fall to his side as Buck reached for his shirt hem. Earlier he couldn’t bring himself to look at Buck, but now, as Buck’s calloused hands ran gently over his arms and abdomen, he couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away. He ran his eyes over the frown lines on Buck’s face, the concentrated look in his eyes. He wandered across the muscles of Buck’s arms, his practically chiseled chest that was still covered in grime and dirt, just like Eddie’s. Eddie still didn’t move his eyes away when Buck moved one of his hands into Eddie’s, pulling him into the attached bathroom. Buck let go of his hand, moving to flick on the shower. Eddie felt himself frown in confusion, his brain too slow to properly comprehend what Buck was doing. At the look at his face, Buck smiled sheepishly and walked up close to him. He put his hands on Eddie’s biceps, squeezing in comfort.

“Look, I promise, I’m not trying anything. I wouldn’t, not tonight-” Eddie was so entirely exhausted, but even in this state he felt his skin flush red at Buck’s implications. “-but, Eddie. You’re exhausted, barely even standing up right now. Let me take care of you, okay? Just for tonight.”

Eddie wouldn’t have been able to say no even if he wanted to. He brought his hands up, touching Buck’s waist lightly as his head fell against Buck’s bare shoulder. Buck was warm, and comfortable, and supportive Buck ran a hand up and down Eddie’s back for a moment, taking it as the “yes” it was before moving half a step back to finish undressing Eddie. Eddie was pliant and exhausted putty in Buck’s hands, allowing him to easily move his legs to get his pants and underwear off before Buck moved to remove his own. It wasn’t the first time they had seen each other naked- they were firefighters who spent 24 hour shifts together- but it had never been like this. So intimate. The fatigue in both of them didn’t even allow for a moment of embarrassment for either of them; as much as he had thought about a moment like this with Buck, no part of him could be interested in anything other than just getting clean right now. Buck was gentle with him as he pulled Eddie into the shower. Eddie let out an involuntary sigh of relief and comfort as the hot spray of water eased its way over his muscles. It was the best he’d felt since the afternoon. Buck kept a hand on his arm, making sure that he was holding him up. 

The shower passed quickly, Eddie feeling practically hypnotized at Buck’s gentle movements of a soapy washcloth over his skin and the calming feelings of Buck running shampoo through his hair. Both of them stayed silent the entire time; they didn’t need words between them. Every moment- from Buck guiding him into the shower to patting him down with a towel before moving back into the bedroom to grab a pair of sweatpants and an old army hoodie with which to dress him- was a moment of complete and utter trust. They had each others’ backs, through and through. After Buck had quickly dressed himself in a pair of shorts and a shirt from Eddie’s drawers, he guided Eddie carefully to sit on the bed. As the mattress gave way to his weight, every part of him ached to fall into the bed, to let the fatigue finally take over. But as he watched Buck move around to the other side of the bed, pulling back the covers so he could slip in beside Eddie, he knew he couldn’t. 

They were going to have to talk about this, and he wasn’t sure if it could wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow when they woke, they would have Carla fussing over them, Christopher to take care of, and the inevitable calls and texts from Bobby, Chim, Hen, Athena, and Maddie to answer. Right now, though, it was just the two of them. As Buck climbed into the bed, Eddie couldn’t help but be struck by how natural it looked, how right it felt. There it was, that thing between them, always popping up at the right moments. Buck looked up, seeing that Eddie was watching him. 

“What?” he asked softly, prompting anything Eddie wanted to say. What did he want to say? So much had happened today, so many memories and thoughts had floated in and out of his head as he floated in and out of consciousness. After a moment of silence, there’s only one thing Eddie can manage to get out of his mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Buck shook his head, frowning at the words. “Eddie, don’t. We don’t have to talk about this right now.”

“No, we do.  _ I  _ do.”

Buck sighed, but he nodded, turning his body so he was sitting cross legged and facing Eddie. The two of them looked at each other for a moment, neither sure where to start. Eddie opened and closed his mouth, working out what he wanted to stay. 

“When Shannon got pregnant,” he finally started, not even sure where he was going with this. “I panicked. We were young, and stupid, and never meant to get pregnant. I loved her, so much, but I think Chris was the only reason we got married. And part of my panic-”

Eddie’s breath was still shallow, his hands were still unsteady. 

“Was enlisting in the army?” Buck whispered, biting his lower lip in a way Eddie recognized as worry. Eddie let out a deep breath before responding with a nod. 

“I made so many damn mistakes with Chris when he was a baby. I wasn’t there for him- or for Shannon- and even though I don’t regret enlisting, I hate myself for what I did to them.” Eddie’s voice broke as he got out the words, and Buck sucked in a breath. Eddie barely registered the hand Buck gently rested against his knee. 

“I was so scared of being a bad husband and father that that’s  _ exactly  _ what I became.”

“Eddie, you are not a bad father,” Buck sounded pained at Eddie’s confession, but Eddie just shook his head in response. 

“Maybe not now-”

“You’re  _ not-” _

“-but I was. I didn’t know how to take care of him, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me, Chris didn’t know me. Just that I was his father who was never home. I fucking broke his mom by not being around, and my parents- God, my parents. Shortly before we moved to LA, my parents sat me down, yelling about me making poor choices, about Shannon, and then. . . they told me they thought it would be best if Chris lived with them permanently.”

Buck’s mouth had dropped open in shock, though it was blurred to Eddie by the tears once again filling his eyes. He hated crying and already felt like he should have run out of tears by now. 

“It was a wake up call, I guess. I loved Christopher from the moment I first held him, I missed him every damn time I was away from him- I had never questioned that, but hearing them say that and imply that Chris was better off without me. . . It made me really think about everything.”

Buck’s hand traveled from its place on Eddie’s knee to grip his hand tightly. Eddie looked down at their joined hands, squeezing Buck’s in his own almost subconsciously. 

“A week later I called the LA fire academy and accepted a spot. Took Chris with me. I figured out how to be a father- a proper one- we built a life here, and you guys became my family. I’m happy we moved here.”

Buck squeezed his hand tightly, and Eddie understood the message of “I’m happy you moved here, too.” The life they had built since moving here revolved so much around Buck. He and Eddie both had keys to each others’ places, his Abuela and Tia loved him, Christopher trusted and idolized him, Buck had given them Carla, he was Eddie’s best friend, partner, held his heart. . . If Eddie had to pick the best parts of moving here, it would be his much stronger relationship with Christopher and meeting Buck. 

“I’m sorry, Buck, about how everything went down tonight. I promised Chris that I would never leave him and- I almost did today. I almost left you both. When I cut the line I didn’t- the only thing I was thinking about was making sure Hayden was gonna be safe. I didn’t think about the fact that you would be on the other end of the line and have to deal with that. Hayden just. . .”

“Reminded you of Christopher.”

Eddie nodded, staring at the blankets. 

“Eddie, I know that you were going through a lot of shit while you were down there, that you are now- and who are we kidding, I probably would have done the same, but Eddie, man. . . When the tunnel collapsed-” Buck’s voice broke, and he cast his eyes downward away from Eddie. “I was so scared. Fucking terrified.”

“I know,” guilt laced Eddie’s meek voice. Buck shook his head, and when he glanced back up, Eddie saw his eyes were wet. 

“No, Eddie, I- I broke down. Bobby, he had to pull me away and- I thought you were  _ gone.  _ I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get to you. I should’ve gone down there with you, I’m supposed to have your back and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I  _ wasn’t there.  _ I never would have forgiven myself if you had died down there, Eddie.”

Buck was fully in tears now, and Eddie felt himself fill with guilt. He knew the feeling Buck was experiencing; he felt it during the bombing, after the embolism, and when he had ran into Buck at the VA hospital after the tsunami. It was never-ended dread, and fear, and pain, and  _ so much  _ relief that it was all over and everyone was safe. Eddie scooted across the bed, close enough their legs were pressed against each other. Eddie raised a hand, gently grabbing the back of Buck’s neck and leaning forward to press their foreheads together. Buck’s breaths were short and shuddering, bringing the hand that wasn’t still in Eddie’s to grip Eddie’s wrist. 

Eddie’s mouth seemed to work without the thought of his brain, and before he could stop himself he was saying, “I’m so glad you weren’t down there with me.”

The sob that came from Buck was quiet, but the sound rang in Eddie’s ears. 

“I mean it, Buck. It was hell down there. The thought of Christopher being safe? Of you being safe? That might have been the only thing that got me through. I knew that even if I wasn’t, you would both be okay. But I fought like hell to get out of there, to come back to you and Chris. I’m here, Buck, I’m okay. We’re both safe, I’m alive. I promised Chris I would never leave him again and I’m promising you the same thing right now, okay?”

“You can’t promise that- neither of us can, Eddie,” Buck sobbed out, his heavy breaths hot on Eddie’s face. He knew Buck was right. He couldn’t say for certain that he would never leave them, that their line of work would keep them together. 

“But I’ll try my damned hardest anyway, Evan.”

Buck shifted, both his hands tugging at Eddie’s sweatshirt so they fell into a hug. Buck’s face was tucked into Eddie’s neck, both of them pressing as close into each other as they could. Eddie ran his hand up from where it still holding Buck’s neck and into his short blond hair. They clutched onto each other tightly, letting the remnants of the day wash over them. They were safe, in Eddie’s house, together with Christopher asleep down the hall. Everything was still a mess right now; they would have to talk about this more later, tell Chris and Carla what had happened when they saw the bruises and cuts on both of them, deal with all the aftermath of the hellish night. Eddie would need to recover from the concussion, bruised ribs, and hypothermia, and he was sure that Bobby would send him to Frank sometime soon. Buck would need recovery time, too. Nothing was going to be easy for them in the upcoming days. 

Eventually, Eddie moved himself down on the bed, pulling Buck with him. They were a mess of long limbs and blankets on the bed as they laid down. Buck tucked himself into Eddie’s side, throwing an arm over Eddie that felt protective. Eddie couldn’t believe he almost hadn’t gotten to live long enough to experience this. To feel the overwhelming care and  _ love _ that was coming from Buck as their heads lay next to each other on a pillow. Eddie put an arm around Buck’s waist, pulling him impossibly closer. They both needed this right now, the comfort and safety. 

“You’re an amazing father, Eddie,” Buck mumbled into his neck, sounded like he was seconds away from sleep. “Whatever happened in the past, whatever guilt you’re carrying from Shannon and Chris, it doesn’t make you a bad dad. Christopher loves you more than anything, and you’re so good with him-  _ for  _ him. You’re an amazing dad, and Chris loves you. So do I.”

Eddie tensed at the end of Buck’s slurred, tired speech. “Buck-”

“No, I know. I know we’ve been dancing around this- this  _ thing _ for forever, but I’m done. It isn’t the right time- I know that- but I mean it, Eddie. And if you don’t believe me right now, if you think it’s out of distress or exhaustion, I promise I’m going to tell you tomorrow, too. I'll tell you everyday for as long as you’ll let me. I love you.”

Eddie was so sick of crying, but Buck’s words might just change that. It was late enough at night- or early enough in the morning, really- that soon the sun would start shining behind the dark bedroom curtains, and both their eyelids were drooping so close to the exhaustion that had been slowly overtaking them all night. They didn’t as many hours as Eddie wished they did before Chris inevitably came in to wake them. It almost surprised Eddie with how comfortable he really was with the idea of Chris seeing them together, tangled up in bed like this. It seemed. . . right. Buck was almost entirely asleep, but Eddie was sure that Buck had heard him when he felt the smile against his shoulder, where Buck’s head had come to rest. 

“I love you, too, Buck.” 


End file.
